Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
