im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
