No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
