would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I need a beard to bite.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
