i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
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She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
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She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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