She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
