i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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