just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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