I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
