having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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