I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
