JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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