What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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