dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
