i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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