why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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