Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
