I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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