Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
