how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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