Do you still have your period?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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