I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
