I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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