Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
