so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
