I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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