that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
