Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My pussy is not your playground.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
