i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
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just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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