Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
