I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
