There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
