As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
