Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
