I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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