His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
