i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
