I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
the condom got lost in my hair
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
