I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
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