It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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