420 ftw
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
