he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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