what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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