she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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