I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
