Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
