When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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