Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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