Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
