Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
