i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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