Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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