I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
